Yesterday was a really peaceful day.  I went to church, went to PF Changs for a bite to eat, then drove around to look at open houses for sale.  So I'm talking to someone on the phone and they told me that I "...act white sometimes".  WTF?? I have never been told this but the way I feel is like "whateva!".  Oh sure, at first I was highly offended and tempted to jump off the handle to let this person know just how 'hood' I really am.  But as I regained my composure, I read up on the subject of "acting white" and "acting black".  Too often in this society, young impressionable folks are consumed with labeling each other.  A person who listens to pop music and also gets her hair braided all the time....is this person considered acting white or acting black?  A person who likes collard greens and cornbread but also has blue eyes....is this person considered acting white or acting black? What ever happened to acting YOU?? 

Wow, I've been meaning to come back here.  It's been so long...about 9 months to be exact.  Well, where do I begin.  I don't even remember the last enty I wrote, but let's see....I'll try to do a blind update.

I have officially finished school!!!  Hell yeah!  Graduation is in 2 weeks now and I couldn't be more thrilled.  I will be doing a summer program for kids for the next 2 months and then after that it's on to the job search!  I want badly to relocate myself because I've been born and raised and schooled here and I would loove to spend time living in another city for a while. 

Okay, the last time I talked about Kasen, we were in the kicking it stage. Wellllll......................that was a long time ago and things have surely changed.  I'm happy to update that approximately 2 weeks after the day of my last entry, Hurricane Katrina happened and nearly tore New Orleans (and many other areas) apart in the process.  Kasen was in school down there.  On the day of the evacuation, he had decided he was just going to weather out the storm in his little apartment.  But, I was gripped by worry and overcome with emotion just thinking of him being there all alone when imminent danger was close around the corner.  So I urged him to take shelter at my home until the storm passed. 

Well of course everyone knows that hurricane didn't just come and go.  It left behind a trail of destruction and heartache.  He had become without a home to go back to in New Orleans.  So my family and I opened up our home for him to stay in until his university were fully equipped to accept student back. 

He stayed with us for a span of 4 1/2 months and it was a weird weird situation.  But it was truly a blessing for us all.  The good thing I can say about it is that our relationship blossomed in a way I don't think it ever would have had things not turned out that way.  We learned soo soo much about each other (the good, the bad, and the ugly we always say).  Today, we share such a close relationship--its real, its good for our hearts and well being, its loving, its deep and passionate...its simply beautiful. 

Well today is one of those days that you have ABSOLUTELY nothing going on and nothing planned, but you feel happy just to 'be'.  I feel very blessed and happy today and I'm glad I was able to make a 'pit stop' here on the way.

I was soo sleepy at work today.  Sometimes I swear they think I'm superwoman or something.  I dunno.  I pray that God will direct me after graduation to a very rewarding and satisfying job position because this little gig I have now....it just simply sucks.  Although, I must say that I am very proud of myself being that this is the longest part-time I've held (going on 2 years now) But I've had all I can take; and Fall graduation won't come soon enough.

On to other matters- I told Kasen that I needed to take a step back from what's happening between us because I don't want us to get caught up in feelings too quickly and end up regretting it. We agreed that we seemed like such a good match together but also that moving too fast could cause us both to start seeing this like a fanatasy instead of a reality.  I don't want to just quickly embrace the idea that we're good together and then end up missing possible indicators that we're in fact, NOT good together in all the 'feel good' rush.  So we are taking it slower for the moment.  And besides, he says he wants to go at a pace I'm comfortable with, so that's all I need to hear!!  What an awesome guy!  I feel so much better.

Well, I know this may sound crazy, but I kinda sorta did the online dating thing again.  Even after Ebony rolled her eyes at me the last time I met someone. 

I feel a little bit crazy for more than one reason.  One, because here I am again talking with someone that I met via the internet (which by the way didn't happen by me searching through dating profiles with an intention to meet a man...sort of happened by accident or incident), when the last involvement I had via the internet (Eddie) ended up in BS.  And two, because I think this dude is really cool. 

There's nothing wrong with thinking he's a cool person, but I'm in a state of mind now where everyone's sincerity is questionable.  No, he hasn't yet given me reason to question anything he's said or done....nor anything that'd make me go "huh?????"

I will say, that whereas with Eddie, there were a couple of red flags, albeit small, present from the beginning but I didn't give them a third thought (yeah, I gave it a second thought, but since I'm big on giving folks a chance, I let some things fall on blind eyes and deaf ears). 

With internet man, Kasen, its none of the above.  We started talking about 3 weeks ago and its so far so good.  But a tad bit scary.  I mean scary how many similarities we have.  I don't think I've had so much in common or had such good conversations with a man (not even my "the one that got away" ex-boyfriend who I thought would be the only man I'd ever truly connect with).

My gosh, we think a LOT alike about a LOT of things under the sky from the A's to the Z's; we are born 5 days apart from each other; our names begin with the same letter, we each have a younger sibling who have the same first name; we both share the same talents--singing, poetry, analyzing everything outta this world   ; and we went through VERY similar circumstances with our paternal parent.  Its so damn weird....I know these similarities may seem small in comparison to bigger issues, but when I look at the big picture, all I could say about it is WOW!  First time we talked on the phone the convo lasted 3 hours, the second time it was 5 hours, the last 2 or 3 times it has been 6 hours.  We recently had to impose a phone "curfew" so that we can stop running our mouths to each other late into the night and morning, LOL!! This has never happened to me before and I'm totally puzzled as to what to do .

For one, I don't want to tell my friends and family ANYTHING about this, as I feel that they may think I'm crazy or without caution.  And for two, I am scared as hell that this could be simply another man out to get me just for the hell of it.  I don't know.  I'll have to take notes and pay special attention to what goes on. 

So I guess I'll just repeat what I said earlier.......Time will tell all

Oh my goodness, I  always feel so  when I get a pedicure done.  It looks so nice and feels even better.  

Sometimes when I feel stressed or just burned out, a fresh anything is always a .  So last night Andrea and I went to a Luau.  It was pretty cool.  All ladies were in for a lower cover charge if we wore a hula skirt. Ha! Yeah right.  Where in the small metro city would I find a hula skirt?  I wore a nice form fitted floral shirt along with an extremely short (not on purpose) frayed blue jean skirt and some apple green heels that had flowers on them.  So I was working that Hawaiian vibe with what I already had in my closet.  That's what a resourceful woman knows how to do! 

So at the party, there were three main guys that I knew I was going to hear from within the next 24 hours. 

Nathan--a guy I've known for well over 5 years that has become a really really close associate...not actually a cool friend for various reasons.  We were intimate during a time when I was feeling really depressed about the break-up with one of my exes, Kevin.  I trust Nathan a great deal and although he's a good guy, I'm just not down with being a booty buddy.  I was vulnerable that one time, now I want to be done with that 'portion' of our association.

Karl--a guy I went to high school with that I saw at a party last month.  We decided to get reacquainted and so exchanged numbers.  But I saw where that was leading and so I chose to put him into the category of "Guys I May Talk and Catch Up With Every 3 Months Or So".

Alex--a guy I got acquainted with via the internet.  We attend the same university, hence the reason we started chatting.  I have chatted with him every now and then for about 2 months now.

All of these fellas spoke to and hugged me and all of that.  As soon as it hit around the time the party was to be over, I recieved phone calls almost back to back from each of them.  Nathan wanted to 'come over' "just for a little bit", he said.  "Hell to the no, Nathan", I wanted to emphatically say.  But I said no politely yet unequivocally.  Dammit, my nice girl  is trying to come back out  .  Karl sent me a text message as SOON as I got into the car from leaving out of the party wondering if we could "hook up" for the night.  .................................................................................. what the fuck is wrong with homeboy?  I will have to get a dictionary of terms that desribe the male rationale because I'm truly puzzled as to why I would want to "hook up" with your text messaging, no call returning, long-time-no-hear-from, wanna be playboy, no game having azz.  Unbelievably and absurdly absurd.  Alex called and sincerely seemed to want to go out on a lil date and have some fun, get to know each other...the whole shabang.  I'm cool by that.  I remain a positive one.  Despite being hurt in the past, it is always my greatest effort to give someone the benefit of a doubt and let their actions speak louder than my past woes.  It's hard....but we shall see

Woaaaah!  Its been a couple of weeks.  Everything is pretty much the same, but then again, they're not.  One important thing is that I finished my volunteer hours .  Yayyy me!  I had to do a substantial number of hours over a period of 5-6 weeks and I made it.  Turned in my hours and completed school for the summer.  So excited.  Now all I have left ahead of me is this last stretch of the road, these last few 'pennies' from my undergraduate experience.  Wearing that cap and gown will be so sweet. 

Besides that, a new 'development' occurred.  Just as I thought waaaay in the beginning.  Eddie had a ole lady from the get go.  Waay in the beginning when I looked through his phone and saw that he had my number saved as CANDACE instead of KK, I went off and although I didnt believe his damn excuse, I decided to let it slide for the simple fact of giving someone the benefit of a doubt.  I decided to let that be his one 'gimme' especially since it was in the beginning.  But things seemed to settle down after that.

He came here to visit me and things were cool.  He asked me to be his lady, I said in more words or less, "no".  That was that.  Between then and now, things were everything from chaotic and confusing, to calm and clear.  But I knew something just wasnt quite right.

So I made my trip to see him (driving 5 1/2 hours) and I knew this would be either the make or break of our friendship/relationship whatever it was called.  In a way, it was the only way I could find some hard-proof evidence that he was a no good dirty dog.  And boy oh boy did I find somethings .

Found some mail that was addressed there with his "ex" name on it, I saw an unpaid bill on the dresser at say 10am with her name on it, and by 12 noon, the shit was gone.  When dude was asleep, I finally saw my break that I had been looking for.........the celly .  Found all kinds of text messages to and from me, a girl named Amanda, and the "ex" that was recent as of one day prior with things like "I love you" "I miss you".   So I'm like ahhh haaaa.  I knew it.

So I wrote down homegirl phone number and packed my shit and left him in the middle of the night while he was sleep.  I left at 1am.  By 4:30am he started calling me; he continued to do so for the next 8 hours. Until finally I text him and told him I knew what the fuck was up and to kiss my ass and forget he knew me.  But ohhhhh noooo .  I didnt forget about Miss Ex-girlfriend.  I called her a couple of days later and basically confirmed that she was in fact his current girlfriend, fiance, and soon-to-be babby momma.  Me and her talked for about 3 hours then he came over her place so she and i got off the phone.  About 30 minutes later he's calling me and left a VM on my phone cussing me threatening me, calling me a lie, stupid, all kinds of stuff. 

I told the dude he was insane and I decided that I couldnt talk/communicate with an insane, irrational person with the temper of madman, so I would leave it alone.  Homegirl left a message on my phone at about 2am apologizing and telling me that she cussed him and kicked him out and for me to call her in the morning so she could tell me what happened when they called the other girl who was in his phone (who's number by the way, I gave to Miss Ex )

So I called and left a short message, got no callback.  She called 3 days ago and I missed the call.  She called last night from a blocked ID and left a message for me to call her because she got some info and yada yada.  Well, I called her and of course, I got no callback again.  I think I am going to leave their psycho asses alone for good.  Cause I'm not for any talk-show drama.  That's for the birds

Well, I went and put in 8 1/2 volunteer hours today.  It's realllllly important that I finish these hours.  They are a part of a grade.  But I am so close now, I can smell it.  So it looks like I won't be worrying about that soon.  But something I am worrying about is Eddie.  I have no clue what the heck he is up to.  Maybe he's up to nothing, maybe he's up to everything.  I don't know.  And I know I shouldn't be making any hasty decisions, but I don't think I want to go see him now.  I mean it just gets me how I was initially so excited but now I think I'm just going to stay in town.

Now the best thing for me to do is to probably talk with him and see what the deal is.  But what exactly is that going to change??  Because this isn't the first time and this probably won't be the last.  What's the use of me saying "Eddie, what's going on?  Is anything wrong?", when I'll just be repeating the same question a couple of weeks from now??

So the best thing for me to do (and the worst thing for him) is to cut him off altogether.  That would be so mean, I know.  Part of me wants to purposely be mean to him, but the greater part of me truly doesn't really even want to be around him right now. 

Like I told myself before, a woman's intuition about a man is normally right on 97% of the time.  If I have an initial feeling about someone then choose to ignore it, it normally comes back to bite me in the ass later.  It's happened once before already, and it will NOT happen again.

I'm so sorry I have to do this Eddie, but I'm going to have to leave your behind alone.  You will NOT pull the wool over my eye; you will NOT play me for a fool; you will NOT outsmart me; you will NOT take me for to play with.  It's over.  Hasta la vista, buddy !!!!!

I feel...I don't know; mainly a little frustrated I think.  I was going to call Momo today but once again, I let it get away from me.  Sometimes I think I have a problem because here I am 23 years old and I can't even remember to call my own grandmother and see how she's doing.  I think I have lapses in my memory that are clearly uncontrollable.  Dang, I've got to get a hold on this.

Also, this here hurricane is looking like its going to put a damper on things (literally).  I was going to go see Eddie next weekend, but I don't know now.  I pray that this hurricane (Dennis) loses its strenth and just disperses before it causes any extreme danger to folks. 

I'll be back. I need a mental break.

Okay....I'm wondering.....does anybody go out on dates anymore?  Because it seems like no one I know actually dates.  You either are in a relationship whereby you go out OR you're single and you don't go out.  I want to know why is it that instead of a nice fellow saying to me "What are you doing this weekend because I'd like to take you out", he says "Ya wanna come over and chill?" with a straight face.  Now don't get me wrong because I'm all for chilling, but there are two things wrong with this.....#1, How dare you send me a text message instead of being gentleman enough to simply call me and ask me this....and #2, How dare you think that by calling me at 9pm asking me to come over at 10pm, that everything is all good .   It's not!! You're.....not.....my.....man; get it through your head.  Stop calling me at odd hours of the night to come chill, stop saying over text messages what you can say over the phone!  Oh my gaw. 

Okay, I just had to get that frustration off of my chest.  This episode just recently happened to my friend, but I've been there before so I felt her pain .  Ahhhh well. They'll get it right SOME day

----ON ANOTHER NOTE----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I cannot wait to go see bookey!  Although he is 4 or 5 hours away, it will be well worth the drive to be able to just hug each other again.  It's been a while...about 3 months.  I miss my honey, but I'll be alright.   I miss him so much more since he is currently in his hometown visiting his family for a week.  By this time next week, we'll be kissin, and huggin, and snugglin, and luvin, and.....lol....you know the rest  .  Can't wait until July 15!!!

Hello there all!  Just wanted to start off by saying welcome!  I haven't got the proper time to write an actual entry today...just a lil something to get it crackin.  I hope you enjoy all of my quirky thoughts and jabbering.  Until then folks, I bid you adieu.  Later!